Monday, March 28, 2011

I've almost left so many times...

I've almost left so many times. When times got hard, when your job disappeared, when the money ran out, when our credit went bad, when the bank threatened. I thought this is not what I signed up for. This is my only life and I'm miserable. I want this, I want that. I need companship. I want romance. I need security. I want happiness. I need, I want...

I think that I let the past 12 years make me sick. I think I let all of it get deep, deep inside me. And it did damage. I did damage. I didn't cope well. I was depressed. I wasn't very supportive. It was so all about me alot of the time. And you. You did what you had to do. You kept on going. You never gave up. Ever. You never gave up on yourself or on me.

Cancer has opened my eyes to a lot of things. How little time we have here. How important you are to me. How you stood by me no matter what. And now look. We didn't lose the house. We still have a car. You are working hard. I am still weaving. Two of our kids are in college and all three are fine young men. You kept us warm all winter cutting wood. We are still in debt but I still have my beloved horses and dog and cats...and a deadly form of cancer.

Two women have already died in the past year from this cancer here. There are two more women that I know of with pancreatic cancer. One had her whipple procedure in NYC at the same hospital with the same doctor at the same time and we met there. We were diagnosed at different stages but all within this past 1 1/2 year. One who died was diagnosed the month before I was. I was supposed to get in touch with another woman but she died before I could. Another has gone on vacation with her husband this month but we think she is having a recurrence. There is no support group because people don't live long enough. My kids are scared I won't live. Hell, I'm scared I won't live. But for whatever time I have left I want to be here completely. Not with one foot out the door.

Even though you don't read my blog and my children don't read my blog, this is a love letter. Though I think you already know.

So here we are. Re-examining a life. Realizing that it is never the way you plan and railing against the past is useless. Realizing that the only thing you can really change is your attitude. OK and maybe your eating habits though I haven't really succeeded at that.


Ocean View scarf...

I don't have an ocean view now. But I grew up in southern CT and spent a lot of time at the local beach. Aside from some severe sunburns (ahhh baby oil!) I remember driving around the little point of land there in my baby blue VW convertible and sitting on these enormous rocks in wonderful solitude watching the waves breaking and the sea gulls and contemplating all the angst of those teenage years. I miss the water (and the body and the car I had then...) and with the coming of spring I'm so drawn to those fresh colors. So I pulled out some boxes of blues and greens and began creating. For the past 5 years or so I have been seeing my warps as landscapes and I'm still in love with them!! My helper kitty, Ballou. Actually she does not usually play with my yarns but spring brings out her inner kitten, I think... Warping on my warping mill and weaving... Happy Monday! xo

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Nuno Felting!

Quite a few years ago--maybe 10?--I took a weekend nuno felting course with Polly Sterling and her amazingly talented daughter Mwfanwy (now in NYC). It was a weekend full of creative women, hard work, good food, wine, and fabulous felt! With Polly's help we all made quite a few yards--maybe 9 yds--of felted material on silk which we then turned into jackets. Honestly, though, I have forgotten quite a bit of how I actually did this...sooooo off to the Internet and I found a tutorial and I had Gary pick up some bubble wrap and a pool noodle and today is the day. What I'm trying to do is use some silk scarves I have. I originally bought these blanks to dye but have become tired of doing that and I have some already dyed which are, frankly, ugly. The first piece is just on an undyed piece of silk and the second one is a scarf which my friend dyed but the colors and design are wild and not that appealing so I thought that would be a good one to play with. I still have some beautiful Australian merino wool I bought at Polly's so here we go!

Laying out the bits of wool on a piece of silk
Covering the piece with plastic after laying it on bubble wrap

Rolling everything up to start the felting onto the silk

After the wool has migrated into the silk I start to throw it down, over and over to actually felt the wool and pucker the silk

This one is on that ugly scarf--should have done both sides because the back is STILL UGLY!!

After wetting it down with soapy water and rolling it up

Ready to be thrown around

OK now I'm off to take photos of the actual finished pieces...I don't really like them as much as I had hoped but I'm still new at this...
Here they are...

And the ugly backside!!! Yikes!
The front but now that it's nighttime my lighting is off...
Anyway, I'm going back to my weaving...

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

My week...

I have been working like mad making purses--using some handwoven material I had set aside. I had a wonderful 3 days of energy!! Maybe it started because I went riding (ok I can still feel that--ouch). In anycase I got 12 purses done, lined, sewed, photographed and two loaded on Etsy! phew...
All pinned and ready...
Done...and used some of my batik fat quarters for the lining.

And some lining is silky polyester...

AND, of course, my own hand made buttons!! YAY!

However, not all went according to plan this week. My Mom fell and has two black eyes according to my sisters. And her 90th birthday is coming up and friends and family are taking her out to dinner (and taking pictures!!). She has become a little compulsive and was rushing and tripped on the cement outside her house. I haven't seen her but we are thankful that she didn't break anything. I swear she has good peasant stock in her bones! And to add to all this, my van has died...transmission...SIGH...I think I will have to rent a car to get to NH for the party. Don't know if we are going to have the van fixed--taking it tonight to a transmission guy to run some more tests! ARRRRGGGGG!!!! But I did have three good days in a row. And even though I'm tired today, I feel so good about what I accomplished!! And Noah called. He left his pillow here. What is life without a good pillow!!?
Happy Wednesday!!

Sunday, March 20, 2011

First Ride--Happy Spring!!!

Happy Spring everyone!!!!

The sun is shining and I just had my first ride since the last surgery in December! YAY!!! We worked in the arena for about 10 minutes and then went out in the field for 20 or so...Had to go out early while it was still alittle frozen because everything is pretty muddy around here. Snow still in the woods but the sun...ahhhhhh the sun is amazing. I think I need the light to function. Dommie did well, a little frisky but we mostly just walked with a little trotting. Will have to work to get him back in shape (and me, too). Took this picture after they went out to the pasture. Seems I tuckered him out! :D As soon as they saw me coming they came over for an apple and I didn't disappoint them! Happy Spring! I love it!!!
These pictures were taken a couple of days ago...Noah just left for school after being home for the week. Love his energy!
Noah off to collect some kindling for me!
To the woods...
Path to the pond...

Our pond...I wouldn't walk on it!!


Friday, March 18, 2011

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

I know it's been a long time since I blogged because I have been so tired. I did get a good CT scan a couple of weeks ago!! YAY!! However, I have been napping every day--just no energy. Trying to walk when it doesn't rain but mostly just blah...Then Noah came home for the week and just having someone in the house has helped.

I started working on little fun evening bags for my Etsy shop (more later when I photograph), went out for the first time with Gary since November to a coffee/wine bar. Had a blast and got to hear Noah play in a local band because they were short a fiddler. Our friend, Mark, is on the bodhran and I wish I knew how to flip the video right-side-up but oh well. I should know better than to take it like this on my little camera since I did the same thing when he played for his brother's wedding but...can I still blame chemo?? Oh, maybe it was the wine...hmmmm. Good wine...I might have gotten a little loud....

Meanwhile keeping Japan in our prayers and thoughts...