Monday, March 28, 2011

I've almost left so many times...

I've almost left so many times. When times got hard, when your job disappeared, when the money ran out, when our credit went bad, when the bank threatened. I thought this is not what I signed up for. This is my only life and I'm miserable. I want this, I want that. I need companship. I want romance. I need security. I want happiness. I need, I want...

I think that I let the past 12 years make me sick. I think I let all of it get deep, deep inside me. And it did damage. I did damage. I didn't cope well. I was depressed. I wasn't very supportive. It was so all about me alot of the time. And you. You did what you had to do. You kept on going. You never gave up. Ever. You never gave up on yourself or on me.

Cancer has opened my eyes to a lot of things. How little time we have here. How important you are to me. How you stood by me no matter what. And now look. We didn't lose the house. We still have a car. You are working hard. I am still weaving. Two of our kids are in college and all three are fine young men. You kept us warm all winter cutting wood. We are still in debt but I still have my beloved horses and dog and cats...and a deadly form of cancer.

Two women have already died in the past year from this cancer here. There are two more women that I know of with pancreatic cancer. One had her whipple procedure in NYC at the same hospital with the same doctor at the same time and we met there. We were diagnosed at different stages but all within this past 1 1/2 year. One who died was diagnosed the month before I was. I was supposed to get in touch with another woman but she died before I could. Another has gone on vacation with her husband this month but we think she is having a recurrence. There is no support group because people don't live long enough. My kids are scared I won't live. Hell, I'm scared I won't live. But for whatever time I have left I want to be here completely. Not with one foot out the door.

Even though you don't read my blog and my children don't read my blog, this is a love letter. Though I think you already know.

So here we are. Re-examining a life. Realizing that it is never the way you plan and railing against the past is useless. Realizing that the only thing you can really change is your attitude. OK and maybe your eating habits though I haven't really succeeded at that.



  1. I hope it's OK to comment on this beautiful love letter. You are so open and beautiful...This is so touching. Much love from here to all there!!

  2. Thank you, Cait. This is a beautiful read. I don't always write, but I read your blog. It means a lot.

  3. Cait, What a wonderful post. It brings tears to my eyes. I want you to know that you have been so brave and so fun despite all of this. You are such a wonderful person and I value every moment I spend with you. We all love you because you are you, with your great sense of humor, your ability to talk about the hard things and put others at ease; and your wonderful artistic sense that imbues all you do. Hope we can get together before too long and do some clay.

  4. Very moving. You are not alone.

    Keep shining,

  5. Oh Cait... what a moving post, what a wonderful release for you to get this out, even if those for whom it was intended won't see it. It's out there now, not tucked away inside you, and it must feel better to have set those emotions loose. To me, your words feel like a gentle breeze, a soft brushing against the skin, an awareness of spirit and being and longing. Know that you are cared about, that you, with all your misgivings and frustrations, and with all your beauty too, are important to so many of us out here in the etherworld. Blessings to you, dear Cait.

  6. Thank you, all...I guess I'm Irish enough to love the melancholy but this really did get the sad out! Love all of you!! xo